Never accuse my hubby of not being handy
No wrapping paper?
No scotch tape?
No gift cards?
This is how my hubby wrapped my Christmas Present
Empty Beer Carton
Post it note
What a handy man!
I know you are all so jealous
Last year I thought I was turning 46
But I was only 45
So I got like a free year
This year if anyone asks I tell them I am 56
Then they tell me how young I look
When that doesnt work anymore then I will know that I am old
What a great plan.
The time to share give love blah blah
Whats a mean diva like me to do?
Never fear I have some things to share with you
Ways to be your evil self while still being in Christmas mode
My cousin and I had our babies about six months apart
One year I gave her toddler play dough
The next she gave mine finger paints
Following year her bundle of joy received a gun with 27 annoyingly loud sounds
My kid got GLITTER BARBIE
My kid poured the tube of glitter in our bed
Under the covers so we didnt notice until we got up the next day and I had stripper glitter on my
Well you get the picture
I sure miss those days
Go spread some Christmas cheer to your friends with toddlers for me!
I have been really busy lately (last month)
Doing an online class
There were like 5 tests I think I dont know it is a blur now
If you remember I was moaning I wasnt acing them even though they were open book
Well Thursdays Finale I was sweating I wouldnt pass it
I dont know what it is but if there is any pressure on a test I start freaking out
The dumb thing scores it as you are going along so my mind does the math quickly
OMG If I miss 4 more I fail
I got 5 questions left and if I Miss one more I FAIL
its ok internet I didnt miss any
But I sat on that last question for 20 minutes
IF I MISS THIS I FAIL
Yes I am that insane
But yay its over
I use to get a Speigel catalog every year
These things are huge
Like door stops
They were full of lovely full page ads
Shiney new clothes
I loved them
I kept it on the coffee table for months
The thing was so well made it looked like a coffee table book
But sadly I am not quite the shopper I use to be
It doesnt mean I dont love them
I do like me some fantasy shopping and looked forward to getting the christmas issue every year.
But this year
I got a flimsy 10 page one.
I am off the mailing list
They figured out I am broke
Why does this make me sad?
I am not even worth fantasy shopping anymore
Maybe because all I get in the mail now is offers from credit repair agencies
How the heck did I get on that list
Do they know something I dont
Maybe i will get a nice Walmart flyer tomorrow
Maybe if I order something inexpensive from Speigel I will get back on their list
I want the kinect for xbox as I have already told everyone
But there is a Zumba game you can use with it too!
While researching it on you tube I saw this video
Its long but I am sharing because
1. it shows you an entire zumba class
2. watch the lady in the green shirt (that would be my mom if we took one)
3. the lady right behind her? That would be me if we took a class
I am taking some classes
They are kind of intense
So difficult in fact the tests are open book
The first test I took I got a 90 and the second I got an 86
On an open book test.
The instructor assures us we are not all stupid as a 92 was the highest score on the first exam
An open book test?
How can you miss any if you are able to look at the book?
My family says I am too hard on myself
But fess up dear internet
Wouldnt you be a tad bit upset if you didnt get 98 to 100 on a test that you can refer to the book with the answers in it?
Yes I am that competative
Anywhoo at this point I am glad that I am passing
But you know what I am blaming it on the internet
Who reads an entire article anymore
The internet is all bold headlines
I glance through get little bits here and there
Mel rants click here to LISTEN (not read I dont have time)
LOLCatz (doesnt even spell properly )
I can has a link?
Oh click here to lose weight.
Pop up Buy me.
click here for slide show.
CTRL F find
Where is it? I dont have time read entire page.
I am a busy woman
Honestly once I think about it its amazing I can even read a book.
Yay me then
I am setting up my new office
While looking at the screen I thought to myself this screen is too small
It is so tiny
I need a 17 inch
Off to ebay
Yup there is one I will make a bid
I have a 17 inch I needed a 19
Next my headset wont work with the software I need
Off to buy another one
Shoot this one doesnt work either
Oh wait I have to disable the onboard speakers
Dang it now they both work
I had to run some cable extensions
Although the length was right it wouldnt fit in the slot properly
What the heck its too long
Ill squeeze the end in
Argh still wont work
Why is this plastic thingy so much bigger then the other one
Ill melt it a bit with my lighter it doesnt lack much to fit
Oh wait that doesnt go in there
Shoot it goes in here
Argh now it wont fit at all
I had to rush out and buy two new cables
Why did I want this office again
OH right that is it
I can be more efficient and make more money
I hope I can write all this crap off on my taxes at least
I went to Staples to pick up something and saw they had all their office chairs on display
Rows and rows of different types and colors
I was happily sitting in them all but lets face it an office chair is an office chair and they all bite
Each and every chair was marked between 89 to 99 dollars so what can one expect.
I was happily plopping my fat butt in them all to see if any of them are better than the crappy one I have at home
That seems a fair price so I am sure I can find one I like
I am not that picky
I sat in a chair
That was plush
And so freaking comfy
OMG I am so buying this chair for 99$
It was 399$
Marked down from 499$
Out of dozens of chairs I find the one that is 5 times as much
Why is this chair here
Now none of them are worth a crap
Because the only chair I want now is the one I cant afford
When I was a young girl my mom would constantly berate me for my champagne taste on a beer budget
Or accuse me of my snobbery
Even though we were on welfare I didnt like Honey Os because I like Cheerios and I know they exist so I will just have some toast thank you very much.
But now I see I am not a snob
I am just aware
Aware there are better things out there and if I cant have them I dont want anything.
Who can be happy sitting in a crap chair after knowing there is the most comfortable beautiful chair in the world
It is not my fault
It is bait and switch
So what did i do dear internet
I didnt buy any chair and stuffed a pillow behind my back
I blame Staples for making me aware my office chair sucks
I love my iphone
I got one when they first came out
I listened to so many lectures on why I shouldnt buy one.
Why it would fail.
Why it was over priced
I even nicknamed one co worker IPHONE HATER and that is who he is now and forever more
But the people who seemed most offended by the Iphone are Blackberry owners
I do not know why
I think the Blackberry is awesome too.
I just love my Iphone
I have no hate for the Blackberry
see more funny videos
Stop telling me what to do!
This is what hubby said to me the other day
We have been married for 24 years
You are just now saying this?
After 24 years?
Yeah I am going to change
Well I did change a little
Now I scream this out in any conversation possible.
Dont forget to pick up cigs..
STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO
This will be fun
The kids came over Saturday
It was a fun visit
I love it when they visit.
They were showing me how to use an xbox
But while they were showing me all the features I saw you could get movies on demand through Netflix
So I was all like lets watch movies
No dont show me anymore features MOVIES NOW!
Anyway we were watching Zombie land
At one point I said
If I ever get bit by a zombie would you....YES was the reply
Yes we will shoot you in the head
Then I think they argued over who would get to do it
I am not really sure because I was laughing too hard
AWWWW Family got to love them
There is a scene in the movie Goodfellas that always makes me laugh
Business is slow?
F.U. Pay me
Kids in college?
F.U. Pay me.
I dont remember it line for line but basically it is all Who cares Pay ME!
Did you know.....
When bill collectors call
If you hesitate..........
They start to negotiate
You can post date the check....
Then they say oh it cost such and such for the pay by check fee
Hesitate again they waive it......
Hesitate some more they will waive the late fee....
isnt that nice to know
My mom got herself a kindle
and instead of buying books I hooked her kindle up to my account so she can read my library
I have like 185 books on mine
I havent spent any time with her in a week
Then when she did come over she had her kindle in her purse
I caught her reading it while I was talking and being amusing.
I got replies like
Hmm if it wasnt so cool that my mom is all techy and has a ebook reader now, I would be offended.
Anyway she loves it
she likes it because its lightweight,and you can make the font HUGE!
If you want to know what to buy your parents for xmas I would recommend getting them one
They have really went down in price too
This show on HBO called Eastbound and Down is about a baseball player who loses his game
After being rich and famous he is back home living with his brother teaching PE at a school in his former home town. Poor, forgotten, but not down at least in his own mind.
He is still convinced he will be back on top
The only thing he has left from his glory days is his jet ski which he takes out when times get bad to get his head together.
I do the same thing in my sports car
I go fast down two lane country roads singing as loud as I can
My mom called and my voice was so hoarse she thought I was crying LOL
But no I am just doing my own Eastdown and out but I do mine louder and off key
I havent blogged this week because I have been kind of sad
Our cat has gone missing
Her collar the one with the bell on it had come off the day before and I didnt get her a new one.
The next day she came up missing
My daughter was over and went door too door with a picture but no one has seen her
I called the shelters and vets in area no help.
I put an advert in the paper and the few times the phone has rung I answer it with my hopes up high.
People are calling to offer me their unwanted cat
People are calling to offer me their unwanted kittens
One called to scold me for letting her out
Another called to say she saw a couple dead cats on the road and although they didnt match my cats description she is probably dead and I should have never let her outside.
All I can say is.
What is wrong with people
Dont call an advert for a missing pet unless you think you have found her
Save us some more grief please
Either way I am going to think some other family adopted her
A family with out a dog who likes to try and and hump her.
Maybe one who will keep her inside all the time even though she will eat her way through screens.
I just am going to think she is much happier now.
If you read my blog you know that I love my small adopted town
When I was 17 and going into my senior year of high school my mom moved us from the city to this itty bitty town.
Not the one I am in now but fairly close
The first day of school a fire truck went by and the entire class ran to the window to see what was going on.
I jaded city girl stayed seated and thought WTH and looked at the teacher up front
But he wasnt up front
He was at the window straining to look over the students and saying
Does anyone see anything?
They all turned around and there I sat alone and erm .....amused, horrified, flabbergasted, staring at them all in contempt.
Now of course I get it.
I like small towns
But there is still a city girl in me that doesn't like everything country.
Things like bugs, no mass transit, lack of sidewalks, stores closing on Sunday.
Which brings me to this video
Warning the man uses graphic language so if you are easily offended dont click it
I think the laugh is worth it.
This is how I felt when I was rudely transplated from my metro life and I can soooo relate to this poor guy
My daughter was over the other day and reminded me of something that happened last summer
I meant to blog about it at the time but forgot
We were out one weekend hitting the garage sales and I thought I would show off my new iphone features
I could use gps to find all the garage sales
We wouldnt miss a one
The only problem is I was not getting any signel but the dreaded E
For those of you without AT&T that is the edge network
It is so slowwwwwwwwwww
I am hanging out the window trying to get a good signel while mom is driving.
Her: Which way
Me: I dont know yet
Her: I thought your handy dandy phone told us
Me: I am on edge
Her: Which way?
Me: I dont know yet, I am on edge
Her:You are on edge? Did you need a nerve pill
Her: I got a nerve pill
LOL....maybe it would help
I dont know surely cant hurt
One 12 pack of Diet Mountain Dew for the daily consumption of one can each every morning for a happily married couple
Day One - Pop on counter, Wife makes glass of ice, puts one in freezer for hubby who is up 30 mins later.
Day Two - Still on counter, Hubby makes glass of ice puts one in freezer for wife up 30 mins later
Day Three - Still on counter, Wife up first waits 30 mins dry mouth hears hubby making his ice begs for him to make her one too
Day Four - Still on counter, Hubby up first makes his own ice yells at wife to put pop in fridge for the love of $%$% cant you put it in the fridge?
Day Five- Still on counter, each makes their own glare at each other
Day Six - Still on counter two empty ice cube trays in freezer
We have this huge festival during labor day that comes to our town each year
It draws celebraties at times not often and normally has been ones but still ....you know.
A huge car auction
Of course lots of things are going on in town also
We normally make our escape and run away during the 3 days
Silly tourists and all
But this year since we couldnt really afford a luxurious vacation (If its not 4 star forget it, I will stay home work until I can afford one)
I have however come up with a plan
I think we are going to dress up like tourists
Camcorders around necks
Maps in hand
Say things like ....which way to the...............blah
Just like be all dumb touristy in our own town
We can take shuttle buses
We can tell the local vendors how cute and quaint the town is
We can ask for directions
We can hit all the local attractions
hundres of garage sales (ok maybe only 40 or 50 )
historical home tour
tour of candy shop
an ice cream social
hehe What do you think?
I will be sure and post lots of pics for you all too
I think I will try a fake Aussie accent just for kicks too.
I walked in the bathroom Saturday and the carpet was wet right by the tub
Quite satuarted really
I figured someone got sloppy during a shower
Not me I actually need a shower pretty badly hehe.
The towel became sopped so I put another one down but by Sunday it was soaked too.
Something i leaking
Hubby tore up the bathroom wall and decided handle is leaking runs down tub side and onto floor
Easy enough fix
But he said, since he was in there he would replace that wall it looks pretty nasty anyway its been leaking awhile
Ok that is ambitous, but go for it.
After he was in there for 6 hours I opened the door and said
How is it going?
Fine I just have to tighten this nut.
And I kid you not dear internet ...
Like something out of a sitcom
A bad sitcom
A gush of water jetted out of the wall hit him full in the face and knocked him back on his butt.
Did I panic?
Did I scream?
Of course not!
I busted out laughing
Because that is the kind of wife I am
PS we are still without a tub and no water as he shut it off to try and work on it some more.
I really should have took that shower the other day because I am one smelly nelly
Last year at this time
I was getting eyelash extensions
Or maybe it was the year before
While I was working I was also cruising the net on the side and looking at
What has happened to me?
Have you seen these commercials for Lanacane?
Balloon people with their legs rubbing together
I don't know if I should be offended by this commercial?
Maybe its more like I am thrilled they are making this stuff?
Why didn't they have this crap when I was younger and wore shorts(thank goodness for capris coming back in style)
Maybe they did but it was taboo to market it
I tell you what it is certainly a weird thought that you could be in a situation where some hot stranger asks you what is that white cream is on your thighs
Would any answer not be embarrassing
Oh that is just the cream I wear so I don't chafe when my huge fat thighs rub together.
Ok i will take it as marketing.
Hey ad guys you want the next new AD CAMPAIGN?
Find me something that stops me from sweating under my boobs.
I doubt you could use balloon people for that.
Perhaps cotten ball chicks?
What you think?
First off, I love this song
I know it is too young for me really but it is quite catchy
I am terrible with using names
So everyone I know has a nickname
Goob=goober the dog
FRIEND(always in caps)=my friend
What about you dear internet
You have any weird nicknames for your friends and family
Remember those hot summer lazy days of your childhood?
The ice cream truck?
I love the icecream truck
I know we dont have any kids on my street anymore
We are all old slow asses
But this guy
He flies down our street
Probably to get to the trailer court where the real money is
Which is fine
I am a capatalist
I understand speeding down the street to get to a destination
I mean I have a sports car I get it.
Physics says your tires will squeal if you turn when you are going that fast
I get that too
If you are going to go flying down my street with no thought of stopping
Could you shut your music off?
That's all I am saying
Mom may not always be able to find her
But she did find the itty bitty crown that broke off my front tooth that cost 1000.00 to replace.
and this is todays fortune just weird
I had a phone call today and normally I dont answer any calls I dont recognize on the caller id but this one said Gallup Poll Organization.
I can be one of those people when they say recent Gallup polls indicate .....
Some of the questions though, I dont know.
Is it good if the poll taker trying to sound all professional keeps busting out laughing?
Here are a few questions that got her giggling and I thought my answers quite proper and professional.
Did you eat 5 servings of fruits and vegatables yesterday
But I ate at least 5 times.
On a Scale of 1 to 10 economy wise how would you rate your life now
Where do you expect it to be in 5 years
A 10, I am an optimist obviously.
Would you say you are satisfied or dissastified with the job the president is doing
Erm are those my only two choices
Erm.....Well it;s like moving in a demolished house and trying to remodel I suppose.
No one likes the porta potty but you have to put up with it awhile.
Does that mean you are satisfied?
What is your height and weight?
Your height and weight?
I am 5'8"
And your weight?
You need my weight?
**gives weight in the form of it's such and such time here* like its 1:30 get it? and no its not 1:30 here dear internet but I am not that honest
Did you exercise last week?
Believe it or not I did
Do you like your town city where you live?
Yes I love it.
Do you feel safe walking the streets at night?
Well I dont walk the streets at night but I would feel safe if i had too.
Once I had to walk downtown to get hubby out of bar but I felt safe.
I was pretty mad at the time though.
He probably didn't feel that safe when I found him.
Are there fresh vegetables and fruits easily available in your town?
Yes there is a Farmers market every week
Not that I have ever been.
I could though, but it closes like at 11 am and heck I am not even up by that time some days.
Hmm Does that make it not easy for lazy fat people?
No I am going to stick with original answer.
Yes Final answer.
Any way that is just a small sample
I wonder what demographic I will fall under?
Head up their arse type?
I lost my crown
Wahhhhhh I cant find it, help me Mom!
Dont worry I am on my way
We will find it
Wahhh no it's gone
Ok lets look here
Wahhhh I cant find it either
It cost 1000 dollars
Hey wait,Hubby is home early
Yay I am home early from work
WAHHHH in unison
I lost my crown
Mom cant find it either
I will find it
Wahhh you cant find it either
Well.......$hit dear internet
Now I look like a hillbilly
Glad I posted my picture of me before I lost my front tooth
Mom comes over to clean and says there is a dead bird on porch
The cat thinks she is a lion and likes to bring home dinner
Usually she leaves it on the porch
So I googled what to do and they said to put a bell on her collar
So I did
Then we went out in kitchen
There is a beheaded rabbit on the counter
Baby bunny to be exact she not a very big cat
After screams and squeals I throw a bag over it pick it up to toss it and
The leg is detached
Yes this is what I do when I have to pick up something disgusting
Or clean out the cat box
Or change a diaper
Even with my own kid if it was a disgustingly bad one the convo went like this:
Aww mommys little geeby goo made a poopoo
Runs to toilet
OMG MMMMPH AGGG
Stay there mommy be right back!!
Dont even get me started on what happened when the kid threw up
Lets just say by the time she was 7 she was either making it to toilet or cleaning it up herself because Mom was too busy in bathroom hurling herself
What a great mom!
Anywho any ideas how to tame this wild thing in my cat
The bell isnt working and she is already declawed
I dont have the stomach for wild kingdom
I gave Goober a bath
He is all sweet smelling
I thought I would clean out his pen/beddie byes.
Things found in Goobers Hidy hole
-3 squeakies ripped out of toys
My name is Tammy
and I am addicted to my Iphone
I have been without it for over a week, two weeks, FOREVER
and all I can say is
I had no idea how much I used it
I was constantly reaching for my nonexistent phone to
-Play words with friends
-Look up random actors on imbd
-Shazam songs i heard on radio/tv
-Map garage sales
-Play music in my car via radio transmitter
-Check bank balances
-Take pictures of Goober
-Take pictures of Goober and the cat
-Look at lol cats
-Read books on Kindle
Oh yah and sometimes I call someone
So now you all know and thank goodness I found a good used one on ebay
I am back baby
Sorry no updates
I lost my iphone last week
Very depressing as I love it soooooo much
I am going to have to buy another :(
I dont really have the money so I will have to try have a garage sale next week raise funds
So sad though :(
I hope you are all having a nice week
Take you to preschool
Take you to your first day of school
Watch Ren and Stimpy with you in jammies
Dress up like Barny at your 6th bday party
Take diva wife, you and your best friend camping and fishing
Listen to them complain and moan and cry the entire weekend and still think it was fun
Drive diva wife, you and your best friend on yearly vacations
Listen to us yammer complain giggle and be generally annoying with no complaint
Stop at every flea market, mall, silly attraction, ill timed rest stops along the way
Teach you how to fish
Teach you how to drive
Teach you how to change a tire
Not beat the crap out of the boys you brought home
Make up a silly pet names for you
Love us all
I am so jealous of you for having such a father.
But I am really blessed with such a hubby
I have a friend I met online
We both are married
Our hubbies act the same way (Big babies)
We have the exact same livingroom furniture
They have one daughter
They take their daughters best friend on vacations just like I did with my girls best friend.
We are the same age
We have the same kind of dog
Her daughter even collects ducks like mine does
We went on vacation together and were asked numerous times if we were sisters
We have the same laugh.(think of chickens clucking)
We ping each other on msn the exact second the other person sits down in front of puter
We work the same schedules(stupid early)
The other day I told her to put the cake down put it DOWN and she was all omg how did you know.
Our moms have been married and divorced the same amount of times ( I wont say but its unusual)
We both moved a lot as kids and went to same number of different schools.
We were both slutty,wild,out of control,fun before we got married.
We both spend way too much money
It is creepy I tell you
It means I am not such a weirdo because there is another one of me out there HAHA
I really like her a lot
Does that mean I am like even more in love with myself than I thought?
Ask hubby if he will do it
Tell him never mind you will do it
Whine you cant find car stuff
Whine you cant get hose hooked up
Wash the tires first rather then last
Put too much soap on it
Do it all wrong
Thank him for helping when he grabs sponge in disgust and does it himself
Try to dry it with a bath towel
Look confused as he screams out in horror and grabs the shammy
Tell him he was right that looks much better
Tell him you are tired working so hard does he mind cleaning up mess
Thank him for his help
I have mentioned being adult ADD before somewhere in my blog
I dont feel like linking it
Ha go figure (its like details man no time for details)
Anywho..... dinking around with my meds and off them for a few days
This is not a good thing
Before I was diagnosed I was always STRESSED OUT
Stressed because the ADD mind has alot of things going through it.
A lot of projects to complete.
A lot of new projects wanting to be started and of course, all the silly annoying things to do with living.
Things like oh I don't know cooking,cleaning,working,care giving,living anything that is a pain in the @ss.
Long ago stress would boil over and I would lose it in the stupidest ways
Usually screaming at some poor min wage worker, doctor, customer service rep, loved one, who ever was in the way.
The bad thing about an Adult with ADD is there is no filter i
n our brain
We are also usually clever, articulate, and brutally honest.
McD employee screws up your change, scream at manager that you should put her non change counting butt back on fries and to shove the free apple pie for your inconvenience up your..never mind
Doc receptionist says doc will see you as soon as he can when you ask how late they are running, scream out loud how happy you are that they are going to see us as soon as they can, you thought they were dilly dallying around but are so relieved to know they are trying to get to you AS SOON AS THEY CAN, but that isnt what you asked is it? You asked how behind he was running but thank you for youur assurances!
Yah that was me
OMG what a horrible woman!
I am not that person anymore.
Sadly I thought it was because I had matured and grown and was a kinder happier wiser person
No I have not
Because after a couple days off said meds, while pulling out of the parking lot of the center with a check cashing store, a rent a center, and a Fashion bug, a woman in a junky car almost hit me.
We both stopped like you do when you have near collisions and she was looking at me I assumed she was scowling but later my mom pointed out she was just old and toothless and screamed at her
I screamed out
WTF you almost hit me, are you in that big of a GD hurry to make your rent a center payment you stupid B?
Yes dear internet I did
Going back on my meds
I guess I haven't grown or matured
I just had that awful woman drugged up tied and gagged and buried inside me
Why am I sharing?
Because I feel really really bad
I wish I knew who that lady was so I could tell her I am sorry
I wouldn't blame it on not being on my meds either because that part of me is who I am and I don't like her very much
Lets tie her mean self back up and throw her in the closet and keep taking the meds that are the key to keeping her in there.
Nothing much going on to blog about
My to do list is rather short and boring and just weird
-Let chin hair grow so I can wax it
-Get cat louder bell so she quits bringing dead bird carcasses into house
-Get the knot out of goobers butt hind quarter area
-Get hubby to swap out window air conditionor because its squeaky
-Wait for Sundays premeire of True blood
-Find a new book to read
-Pull weeds in flower bed to plant spring flowers, oh wait its June, hmm Summer flowers then
So it has been a month since I joined Curves
I have been going religiously,regularly,a lot,at least once a week.
I am down two pounds!
Yay it must be the diet I have been following,religiously,regularyly,faithfully,half arsed!
This month I am going to try really hard, sorta hard,hard, kind of, to do better
Goober thinks the day bed is his
He also thinks He allows me to lay on it now and again depending on his mood
The cat is just as bad
This is me trying to take a nap
I wonder what she is saying to him because he looks terrified
I told you before about my Aunt Kate Here when she made a beautiful quilt Here when she taught me how to be truly zen
But I haven't told you about my Uncle
Her partner while raising 8 screaming kids, frequent visits from her favorite niece(ME),and any other neighborhood kid who happen to tank a fancy to us all.
Her other half was Uncle Norm
For some reason to this day a lot of her kids call him Norm
I don't remember how it got started but he didn't like it so it only made them call him Norm more often and I found it quite funny
To me though he was always Uncle Norm
Ok to be honest he was UNCKEE Norm
Uncle Norm taught me many things
I learned to cuss like a sailor when you are driving
I learned comb overs never stay in place
I learned grecian formula 1 doesnt work that well
I learned that if you dont brush your teeth they will fall out but your 70 year old uncle would rather keep that last one left than let the dentist pull it.
I learned you could paint a car with a gallon of cheap paint and a roller if you didnt care how it looked.
I learned grown men can run screaming when a bat gets in the house
I learned married men look at women and go holy S#$t look at that and can say oh she has a nice dress to cover their tracks
I learned how to play poker,spades,solitaire,and euchre
I learned how to cheat at cards
I learned if you steal the neighbors toys you have to take them back
I learned no matter how poor you are or how many kids you have you have room for your wifes sister and bratty neice
I learned no matter how many kids are around you can make one feel like they are your favourite
I learned you can make a buck lots of ways no matter what your education level
I learned you can take a station wagon full of kids to the lake, have three flat tires on way there and back and still want to go the next weekend
I learned how to swim because your Uncle wont let you go under and is always holding on
I learned how to fish but never how to bait a hook because Uncles like doing that best
I learned you can drive a car for years with no license(although I dont recommend it)
I learned you can go years with out paying your taxes (I dont recommend that either)
I learned that when you finally talk your Uncle into doing taxes and he gets audited he still calls you Honey.
I learned you can love a man with no class, no money, no looks, because he has a huge heart
I learned how much it means to take a child in your heart no matter how busy you are and make them feel special
I learned when he died how much I really loved him
You might remember, I pay my mom to clean my house 3 days a week
This makes me act kind of like , oh I dont know a big sloppy teen.
Today she came over and convo went like this.
Her: Are these clothes dirty
Me: No I am selling them on ebay
Her: Oh so you are going to ship them
Me: No, no one bought them.
Her: OH, So you threw this towel over them because?
Me: No I had that towel on the window to block out the sun.
Me: The sun shine through the curtains I wanted a nap.
Her: But why is it on the floor.
Me: I didnt want hubby to know and ripped it off right before he got home.
Her: What is wrong with you?
All the seasons are wrapping up with their finales
You know you watch wayyy too much tv in the winter time when you are excited about the finales.
But tonight is the Biggest Loser
This one I am really excited about.
I hope Ashley wins
If she doesn't win I hope she gets all her weight off.
She is so young and beautiful
Being the mother of a young beautiful daughter myself my heart just melts for her.
So is it sad I am excited about a television show?
Ok ok lets be honest here.
Television shows as in plural
Yes I have become one of those women
18 months ago I didnt have time to watch tv
18 months ago working full time and at home business, I didn't have time for friends family or anything.
Yes I have become one of those boring women now who has to plan to go to the store because it is such a BIG ORDEAL going out.
I mean you have to get dressed and everything.
Do your hair right?
So you know it is a big deal
I enjoy having company and I plan out meals to cook.
Yay Spagetti tonight and last night was deep fried dinner night, dont ask
Cant say I am hating it though
I like it quite a bit.
True blood is back
and the pool opens at my daughters place
Bring it on summer!
Me: Look at my tan!
Him: What is that on your elbow?
Me: That's a mole.
Him: I never noticed that before?
Me: Its always been there, bending, holding arm to look at mole.
Him: Did it get bigger?
Him: What's on your nails?
Him: Is that dirt under your nails?
Me: WTH NO! That is aa nail design. I got my nails done.
Him: Oh it looked like dirt under your nails.
Me: This is why you never get any.
Him: I guess I am a dumb A#$#s
Me: Yes you are.
Him But I am all yours
Me: Yes you are my dumb A$$
PS here is a pic of my nails
I think they look nice but what would a dumb man know anyway about nails
Me: Did you send Grandma that Cat Link
Her: I AM NOT CATHOLIC
Her: Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Me: No I asked her if she sent you that CAT LINK
Me: Show her on your iphone
Her: Wait I gotta find my glasses
Me: They are on your head
My stupid laptop which I LOVE was broken
The keyboard was stuck on OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO as in oooo lady give me a break I am sooooo tired of you.
Or maybe it was OOOOOOMG not you again
Could have been GOOOOOOOO away I am so sick of you.
I like to think its because I work so much my keyboards cant keep up with me
I have had to replace very single keyboard on every laptop I have owned
I am sure its because I am so productive and not because I type with big huge paws pounding out misspelled words in random grammatically incorrect sentences, all Neanderthal man like.
Where is Link?
I dont know he is missing
But anyway I got it back today because my good friend was able to just install a new keyboard for me
So Yah I am back baby!
Did you miss me?
PS he is very reasonable and clever so if you need puter help email me and I will hook you up.
I love to shop
Doesnt mean I am a smart shopper
Once I went to this flea market with hubby and daughter I think she was about 6
This beautiful man was running some counter with antiques and crap
Hubby wandered off and I bolted over there to see him...erm I mean his booth.
I mean this guy was a god like creature fallen down to earth selling his wares
He was quite the flirt too.
I am quite the flirt
We were flirting so shamelessly the girl yelled at him in her 6 year old high pitch voice
SHUT UP says I and that bottle is lovely
Yes its an antique perfume bottle
I have 100$ on it and you can have it for 65$
Heres my card if you have any questions
Thank you cartoon muscle bulging Johnny Depp look alike but you are 6ft2 antinque dealer man
The next week I saw the same bottle at Kohls for 10$
Yes I am that easy and stupid
ANY WHOOOO how about a contest?
What is your dumbest purchase?
Leave a comment telling us for one entry
Follow my blog on google for a second entry
Blog about this contest on your blog for two more entries
let me know you did on your comment
I will post the winner on Sunday MAY 16th 7pm EST from a random drawing.
The winner will get what else 25$ walmart card to go SHOPPING
My daughters very first words were thank you
She was always handing me crap when she was young
Her stuffed pig
and being clueless why she was handing them to me I would just say Thank you
So erm those were her first words
Her second was Daddy
Evidently he was more fun to play with than me.
My cousin's first boy named Nevin, if you asked him what his name was would proudly exclaim
I am NO NEVIN NO
So I suppose it could be worse.
My girl also use to say everything was some
SOME pointing at candy
SOME reaching for your glass
As in I WANT SOME!
Because I use to always ask her when she pointed at things
Do you want SOME?
Yeah I wasnt very good at teaching her to talk
She made up for it later.
the Tween years she started talking a lot and never stopped
But thats ok too
I love being a mom even though I never wanted kids
I love knowing all the answers
shhh internet dont tell her I dont have them
She thinks I do which is good enough
But now....I love having her for a friend
I am glad I can stop being a mom most of the time now and can be her friend.
I would say she was my best friend
But my best friend is MY MOM
She will just have to wait her turn :)
I saw one of those Captcha verification thingies you have to type in when you leave a comment or something on a web page
That is what I am going to call my farts from now on
My mom use to yell at me What do you think you pee rosewater or something, when I was being all uppity and snooty as a young girl
Yes dear internet I was always a bit of a Diva even when we were dirt poor and on food stamps
I think it just comes natural
So from now on I do not Fart
My butt is just singing to you!
It's that time of year
Spring is here
You know what that means to this shopping diva, don't you? Garage sales!
I love garage sales
But being a techno geek type diva we cant just be looking at newspapers
NO NO that is so so ....80s
What the stylish woman to do now?
You need this ap
Garage sale tracker
Available on iphone
Don't have an iphone?
No worries they are giving two of them away
TWO OF THEM!
Contest is here
Track sales in your area
Use the iphones GPS to map them
Use the iphones internet to see if you can sell your purchases on ebay
Use it to calculate costs
Just you know........ use it cuz it looks cool
Lets all enter this contest and do some serious shopping 2k style!
Last night I was watching the Biggest loser
It was make over week
They would show a persons before picture than they came out after their make over
And I sobbed like a baby
Mom and the girl were on msn boohooing right with me
They showed Ashley (pictured above) who asked her mom at beginning of the show.
What If I cant do it?
Her mom replied
But, What if you can?
Yes What if she can?
AND she is
A freaking MOM moment
I want to be that MOM!!
What if you can??!!!'
BOOHOOO SOB GASP
OMG I was a mess
Hubby was not in the house for first part of show so he came in last half
During weigh ins
Thin hubby who has never had a weight problem EVER
Who thought he would be funny making snarky remarks
Man boob jokes
Fat butt jokes
I kept telling him to hush
Please dont I love this show it inspires me
I mean come on since it started I have lost a pound
I even joined Curves
He kept going on and on though and finally.......
I lost it
I mean whacko lost it yelling
At one point I screamed
You need to F%$^king respect the SHOW
RESPECT THE SHOW you skinny Bastard
He went to bed and then I ate the left over spagetti he had packed for his lunch.
This morning I started my lovely lady times and said I guess that was why I was so emotional last night.
Hes like he always is and said oh I thought that might be it no worries blah blah blah hugs kiss
A few minutes later he yells out
Where is my lunch?
YOU NEED TO RESPECT THE f%^%^KING lunch.
Respect the LUNCH!!!
One of my favourite blogs to read is Ann Leary
She has written two fantastic books, her blog is funny and she shares lots with her readers.
Oh and her husband it that one guy Denis Leary.
Today she took her flip cam out while she took her horse Mark out for his ride.
She makes it look so easy!
The one time I have been on a horse was during a cruise excusion
I call this picture So Not Us
My chubby friend and I were waiting around the coral and watched as the guides singled us out crying
Over here MAMMAS
Oh that must be the word for FAT ARSE you over there! Fat ARSE Mamma come here.
After singling us out they put us on the biggest horses in the corral
Yes Mamma must mean fat.
Everyone was told to get to know their horse by name
and of couse mine
Watch out Greg Bites
Watch out Greg likes to gallop
Watch out dont put Greg by the other horses he likes to kick
On top of this they pronounced my name as TOMMY not Tammy
NOOOO Tommy slow down
No Tommy dont scream so loud you are making GREG mad.
Tommy dont go there
Tommy hold on
After miles of trails through some god forsaken woods we got to the beach where they said dismount, they took off their saddles and we got to ride them BAREBACK in the ocean.
This is not as romantic or refreshing as it sounds.
For one thing Greg thought it was a race and even with this fat mamma on his back he was determined to win!
Biting, kicking and pushing his way through the herd we came in first!
All the while listening to guides yell NO TOMMY DONT
I am pleased to say that I managed not to fall off and break my neck.
And really internet isnt that all one can hope for out of life at times ;)
I bought my mother tickets to see Craig Ferguson's comedy show
In a town near by US!!!
I told her last night and she so happy
I got up at 5am and wth???she is still up
I am too excited to sleep she says
Erm ok YAY
Go to bed
I call her at 1230 and ask her if she wants to go to where else?
Me: Do you still need a shower?
Her: I was going to do that now
Me: You said you doing it yesterday that is why you couldn't tan
Her: Yah I was too excited last night
Me: So what did you do all night? Sit around and grin?
Her: Shut up I'll take one now give me a half hour
I wish I could get that excited about something
Don't you dear internet?
I was at me fav hangout of late
Who can diss Walmart?
They have everything!
It's all so cheap too!
Instead of a the normal type Walmart cashier (I am not judging) they had a cute guy working it.
He was a big flirt too.
This guy had a definite MILF fetish going on
Thank you DEMI!
I was thoroughly enjoying myself and he seemed to be too.
The woman behind me was getting quite annoyed at how slow he was scanning my many purchases
I was secretly thrilled and happy I had done my hair make up nails and forgot to put my big wedding ring back on and dressed all trendy
I swear I didnt look a day over 35
DONT you judge me internet!
The stupid register asked him to compare signatures
I had to show him my ID
With the WORST PICTURE ever on it.
Big fat big hair triple chin picture
With my AGE on it
I totally saw his face fall
so much for check out boy fantasies
Stupid whoever is in charge of the universe and their twisted sense of humor.
I mentioned earlier here that I wanted to do some redecorating this year.
My house is old and crappy and a bit like the Addams family mentioned here.
I dont much care what my furniture looks like I am quite pleased with myself that it matches.
Well it did at one time.
On second thought after only replacing a piece at a time when I absolutely have to I suppose they dont match any longer.
To be honest I have every single color in my living space possible
Red ,Mauve, Green ,Brown ,Tan, Blue and nicotine white.
Also every color of wood.
Ok never mind I am not much of a decorator or a housekeeper for that matter.
If I had my way I would live in hotels and tear out the walls ALA Joe Cocker
I was proud of my day bed and sent a picture to my very stylish friend who said it looked "comfortable"
Hey I know a nice insult when I hear one.
Yes it is, I pushed ,but what do you think of it.
"It isnt something I would have but it fits in with your living room nicely."
Yah ok I get it
Anywhoo I decided rather then buy new curtains why not wash the ones I have
They just look nasty because they never have been washed and are all kinds of stained with huge dust bunnies on them
After ripping them down, Falling over on Goober, I went in search of a broom to clean off ceiling.
Do we not have a broom?
Where is it?
Hmm, I wonder if this dried out mop will work.
I washed and dried all my curtains, struggled to put them all up, and stood back to admire my day of hard work.
Why are they all wrinkly?
Do I have to iron them?
Who has an iron
I dont have an iron
I am just going to buy new ones
Or maybe not
Maybe it will start a new trend
As my friend would say, it fits in nicely with the rest of my living room
This is how Goober stares at me when he catches me eating frosting out of a can
Yah there is an AHA moment to be sure
Not to worry Goober, I have thrown the frosting away and even joined curves yesterday
PS Dear readers, I pride myself on my blog being shallow and fluff and something to laugh at. I dont really delve into deep things on my blog nor in my own life. Yes I try to be as carefree and shallow as my blog pretends to be. I dont always get away with it because some things do touch me, they strike me at the core of my being and make me ashamed at how flippant I treat my life and the things in it. This blog however: http://alzheimersandmomblog.blogspot.com/
Titled simply Mom, Me and Alzhimers humbles me on a per entry basis.
If you think there are not angels walking on earth disguised as humans, read this woman' blog.
Read this womans blog and see if you really have anything in your life worth complaining about.
I know I don't
Yesterday was our anniversary
I have been married longer than I was single,
Anyway people seem impressed and ask us how we do it
So here you go dear internet just for you .
The secret to a long marriage.
Sometimes, two people ,after living together a long time, dont like each other ALL the TIME.
They annoy each other.
I know they love each other, dedicate their lives to one another, blah blah blah
Sometimes, they get an urge to slam a fork in the other ones head for breathing through his Stupid nose so loud.
Wait for it here is the wisdom......
You continue to be polite.
Pretend its an annoying coworker you have to put up with to keep your job.
Pretend it is an annoying family member during the holidays.
Pretend it is a random stranger who is in line behind you and making that awful noise
I promise, the urge will pass and you will like each other again.
He will do something sweet and you will forget all about that urge to scream
For the love of all that is good in the world will you just shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
He will run and get you a Starbucks if you are working or surprise you by saying he likes your laugh.
It will be something small and insignificant just like the nose breathing and you will like him again.
And there you have it.
PS I was quite shocked when after reading this to him and laughing, cackling evil like out loud he agreed with me. Surely he couldn't feel the same way about ME at times?
It has been over a year since I quit my day job and went with my at home business and I have never been happier.
I like to joke that I quit my job a year before I left which is not fair to my past employer.
Here are 10 Signs that you should quit your day job.
You visualize sticking a pencil in the eye of a coworker every time you hear her fake booming laugh
You thow quarters in the mens urinal just to see them disapeer within an hour
You come in a half hour late take an extra half hour during lunch and leave an hour early
You secretly hope each summons to the bosses office is your dismissal
You never check your voice mail
You never read your email
You start throwing things away rather than file them and wonder when anyone will notice (sadly no one does)
You havent done your job properly in so long you have to ring tech support because you forgot your log ins
You dont know a coworker was on a two week vacation until they bring in pictures.
You cry on Mondays.
If any of these are you look for a new job RIGHT AWAY you wont be sorry
I had to go to the court house to pay our property tax
I took my mother with me so I would look doubly sad trying to struggle to pay my property tax late
Taking care my poor mother
Poor me dont I look sad and pathetic?
They were nice anyway and didnt care I paid late
Then they told me about some silly exemption that I wasnt aware existed would reduce my taxes by 1k a year and gave me some magical pink paper to apply.
20 years I have been paying 1000 dollars too much
Now who is the pathetic one?
Anywho, I think our courthouse is lovely
All this marble for such a little town and the vaulted ceiling
We took the elavator up because mom said no way could she take those stairs.
She headed for the stairs to go down on way out.
Me: Dont you want to take the elavator
Her: Oh no going down is easy
Her: Ooooof, ugh. as she stumbles down two stairs catching herself
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA omg that is hilarious
Me: I am going to pee my pants
Her: Shut up
Me: Ok dont worry I wont blog about it
Her: What you doing
Me: Taking a pic of these steps
Her: Ugh you are so gonna blog about it
Easter dinner was lovely
But, whenever the family gets together we have to go on and tell the stories.
Course we always laugh as it is quite comical
I love my family
They are all so funny and the best trait amongts them is we can laugh at ourselves
It's a good thing because when my brother and I get together we always start in on my mom.
This year she said we always laughed at her when she tried to discipline us.
Her: I dont know why you always laughed it would make me so mad.
Me: Thats because all you would do is yell, Stop looking stupid.
Bro: No sometimes she would yell Stop being stupid.
Me: Or tell you to Get your thumb out of your ARSE.
Bro: She get mad if you laughed too.
Me: I guess it made us look stupid.
Bro: No I think it made her look stupid is why she got mad.
Her: Oh dont be stupid.
Either way, she was hilarious.
And yes I do on occasion, still look stupid.
I love my adopted town
I have said it lots of times before on this blog
I love how quaint and silly the lifers are that grew up here.
I have lived all over and really feel at home in a city.
I would never have conversations like I do here in my smallish community
Convos like this:
School paper arrives home for girl years ago in show choir.
Time Date and location
Location was: Meet behind the old jail.
So I call the school
Where is this?
Behind the old jail.
I dont know where the new jail is have you an address
It is kitty korner to the Kruse building
Are you serious?
Yes you know the Kruse building!
I didnt know you named your buildings
Dont you have a street Addy
It's the NW corner off Main
So it's on Main?
No the Kruse building is on Main
I need a street addy or we wont be there.
Finally some janitor got on and gave me an addy.
Signs of life everywhere!
But here, dear internet is the ultimate symbol of rebith
My mother picked these up for me from her doctors office.
Arent they lovely?
Daffodils are the official flower of the American Cancer Society
Be sure and buy some when you see them for sale.
They gave these to her at her last Oncologist's appointment.
They also said she is in remission.
Everything is great and she could live to be 82
We are truly blessed
Say a prayer of thanks with me friends and hug your loved ones or love your hugged ones
Whatever makes you happy
Life is great
I type a lot at my at home job
I have never had a problem with wrist pain or anything like that.
I have kind of always thought the typists who did are lazy,sitting wrong, whiney, you get the picture.
Yes I am obnoxious that way.
Something wrong with you?
YOU must be doing it wrong.
Wouldn't I make a great friend?
No fear internet karma has bit me in the ARSE
My left thumb is like useless
My left hand can not have any pressure on it.
If I do use it I fall to my knees and scream in pain(ok not really but I could oh yes I could!)
I also couldn't open my own medicine bottle
Who the heck makes those bottles?
I couldn't open the Aspercreme either
Is that a sick joke or what, shrink wrapping it and a stupid pull off tab Are you kidding me?
Anyway what is really wrong
What is so not RIGHT
Is I evidently haul my big fat ARSE out of the tub mainly using my LEFT HAND
Yes I was stuck in the tub
Because my big fat above mentioned arse is too big to turn around in above mentioned tub.
That is so not right!!
I downloaded scrabble for my iphone
You can play other players on facebook or you can play the computer
Evidently, I am stupid as I havent beat the computer once.
Also I dont know the english language as well as I once thought I did
I am too scared to play against strangers
Anyone else a scrabble fan?
Him: Oh cool
Him: We need new carpet
Him: We should get siding, vinyl siding
Him: But we would need to get new windows first.
Him: If we get new windows we could get central air too as we wouldn't lose so much energy
Me: I don't know about that, I was thinking new curtains and you know, a throw pillow
Him: That would be nice
WTH Someone is ambitious and it isn't me dear internet
I was sitting in the Walmart parking lot yesterday with my handy dandy cool Iphone trying to look up the balance on my card.
I had the Super Duper cool application for my card on it but couldnt get a wireless signal and it would only hook up to edge rather then the 3g FAST AS THE WIND connection
Finally it loads and I keep typing in password wrong.
God forbid it SAVES a password so I have to retype it with my big fat stupid sausage fingers on the virtual keyboard that tries to predict my word although it is a password so no such word exists!
tap tap tap
Is it this word ?
Meh wrong try again
load load load load
tap tap tap
Argh what am I going to do
I dont want to shop and have my card denied
I am not sure of balance
OMG if its denied I dont even have a back up card
I should just go home
I am sure there is money on there
I should just risk it
What good is it if I cant get a good connection?
So dear internet, tell me, have any of you caught on yet?
All this stress?
What obvious fact am I missing?
You can call the number on the back of the card for balance inquiries
You know the 1 800 number that is on the back of every single card issued
With your phone even.
Like we all use to do long ago and far away in Flintstone land.
Who would have thought?
The girl is on a diet
She put some weight on when she was going to school ,working full time .moving out to start her own life and getting married
erm so in other words
She is doing great
Of course it is hard work as we all know
Up days and down days.
We got to talking how our entire self perception can change from day to day
Never mind you weigh the exact same
Never mind you been carrying that weight around for awhile and our honeys still love us.
No we have days like this.
I love my curves
Im so hot
Look at my cleavage
Omg I am a cow
I am hideous
Lets go dancing
Woot I am shaking my arse
I am too sexy for my shirt.
I want to try the pole
My butt is huge
Why does it jiggle
Get away dont touch me
Why dont you want to touch me
I love this shirt
It looks so good on me
Ugh this shirt is huge
I look like someones grandma
This is a moo moo
My jeans are so fat
Yay I got in my jeans
Look at my butt
Erm yah, and that can be all like in ONE DAY.
So that is what the girl is going through.
Aww my little girl is a woman now.
Truly proof positive she has joined our ranks
Isnt it fun?
PS Come over we will talk about it any time, I will make cookies