Tuesday, December 30, 2008

What?

I have never been one of those people who wish they had thought to say that.
I have however, wished at times I had thought not to say it.
At least out loud

Examples below:

From cubeville of course.

Me: We could just flow chart it.
Her: What do you mean?
Me: A chart, if this than that sort of thing, cover all the variables and what not.
Her: OH YES!! We can use circles and squares.
Me: Maybe even diamonds.
Her: What?
Me: Maybe not, let’s keep it simple
Her: That's what I meant.
Me: Sweet!


Tech 1: Should I bring tools
Tech 2: What?
Me: You could just use your fingers and teeth.
Tech 2: What?
Tech 1: What do you mean?


From home:

Me: Did you get lost?
Her: No
Me: I thought you couldn’t find it?
Her: I didn’t know where I was going.
Me: Yes hun that would be you really lost.
Her: Shut up
Me: We all lose our way now and again.
Her Are you going to shut up?
Me: Sometimes I flounder about, wonder what I am here for, wonder what it all means.
Her: I’m going now.

Me: I’m going to the pharmacy
Him:You’re going to get clown shoes?
Me: Yes I am. Do you need some?
Him: What?
Me: Why do you even try to guess if you can’t hear anything?
Him:So you’re not getting clown shoes?
Me: I’m going now.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Charming Annoying Resolutions.

Charming

Amazon kindle
Guitar hero
Him doing grocery shopping
Bubble baths
Big soft towels
A day inside


Annoying

3 month backorder on kindle (Really? 3 months? Seriously?)
He isn’t getting into GH with me (Prolly cuz he sucks at it hehe)
No food in house
Knocks at door during bubble baths (Go outside!Isn’t that a male pride thing anyway?)
No clean clothes (Wth my housecleaner has gone AWOL)
7 hours online job (Does my evil twin book these or what?)

Resolutions

1. Get rich
2. Get thin

I am pretty sure I can buy everything else or charm it out of someone if I accomplish those two things. Bring it.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Reason Why

The Reason we bought you



The reason we kept you.


The reason you stayed.



The reason we laugh.



The reason we love you



Merry Christmas Goober. Thank you so much for putting up with us.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A Southern Diva

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I have a high end sports car.
It isn’t new though, I bought it off lease from a Florida dealer.
I have driven it in the snow and it is all wheel drive that handles very well.
Yesterday, I had to drive it on ice and when I made my first left hand turn onto the street it just kept turning.
It was quite odd though as I didn’t feel out of control at all.
Lovely little sports car just did a perfect U turn as if to say “um, no I don’t think so. We need to go back home.”
Now it’s not a Volkswagen but it is a German car. I felt as if Herbie the Love Bug had taken over the wheel.
I turned back down my street, passed my driveway, and sweet talked her into carrying on.
I am not sure if it’s the German in her or the spoiled Floridian but I had to kiss her @rse all the way to work.
I was giving her promises of wax jobs, professional detailing, and high end octane the entire way.
What a diva.
I love that car.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Five Rules for my Life

1. Plan for the worst,hope for the best.
2. Never burn bridges.
3. Always say exactly what you mean.
4. Never expect another person to do, say, or act a certain way.
5. Always laugh at yourself. Others will laugh with you.

This short post was brought to you by, the number 5 and A Lazy Housewife.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

There are Cracks in the Ice

I like to think I am a strong confident woman.
I normally am quite good at convincing myself that I am
There are certain moments that those carefully crafted illusions come crashing down.
Over the last couple days I confess to the following:

Asked him to go to store as I couldn’t face the crowds
After the ice storm had him take me to work not just one day but also day after
The entrée I was to bring into work dinner didn’t turn out
Panic attack when daughter didn’t answer cell phone after ice storm
Called numerous times even though I knew she wasn’t answering
Called her fiancé numerous times even though he wasn’t answering
Texted her BFF phone frantically even though I wasn’t sure I had the number right
Told my mother about it so we could FEED OFF each others fears in detail.
Stalked her, his and her bff facebook, myspace, twitter to see last log in.
Ate all the raw cookie dough in two days
After failing to get my jeans zipped spent twenty minutes searching for fat jeans, only to realize those were the ones I had just tried on
Ate the box of candy meant to send to my friend
Cackled when daughter did call and said something like Oh just wondered.

Merry flipping Christmas I need a drink

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Meaning of Christmas

A convo today with one of my dear male friends.

Him: I am so bah humbug today
Me: Why is that?
Him: I don’t know
Me: That’s a shame
Him: I was listening to talk radio today
Me: My God don’t listen to the news on the economy its depressing
Him: No it was some Catholic station
Me: Well that should be uplifting, aren’t you Catholic?
Him: I was, well kind of, I don’t go to church but I listen to this show
Me: I would think that should count for something
Him: Yes that’s what I thought
Me: So what he say
Him: Oh that none of it matters no one remembers you when you’re gone anyway
Me: Well that is depressing for a priest
Him No not really it more like Christmas is about people not gifts or decorations
Me Yes of course but I like gifts, don’t you?
Him You know what they say money can’t buy happiness
Me: Who says that
Him: Everyone says that
Me: Yeah you know who says that? Cheap people do. (giggles)
Him I am not into gifts this year
Me: You’re not?
Him No they are silly meaningless material things.
Me: Shame, I will take the gift I got you back
Him You got me a gift?
Me Yes of course
Him What is it?
Me: It’s a lovely one I believe I went a little overboard,but I couldn’t resist.
Him Why not?
Me: It just so perfect for you, shame you aren’t doing gifts this year. I can take it back.
Him Well I wouldn’t do that
Me: My brother might like it
Him No I wouldn’t do that.
Me: Why not? I don’t want to offend you
Him No lets think on it a day
Me: OK that sounds good

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Horrible Gifts Given by Me over the Years

Horrible things I have given as gifts with the best of intentions, honestly at that moment in time, I thought these were great gifts!

- Mud flaps
- Shorts 3 sizes too big
- A vibrating pen
- A leather vest with fringe (male)
- Play dough factory (2yr old)
- 1000 piece puzzle solid in color
- A monkey on a stick
- Assorted pieces of wood
- A printer with no cables/power source
- Glamour pics of myself
- Self warming battery operated socks
- 2 cartons of cigs


Honestly, all these gifts were given in love with the best of intentions, if any of them intrigues you and you just can’t wrap your mind around how anyone could give such a thing, leave a comment and I will do my best to explain myself.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know I told you to get lost years ago when I was a young poor kid and you were either too busy to come see me or scared of the neighbor’s pit bull, whatever chubs, but I will give you one more chance.

Since that day I vowed to work hard and never ask any man (especially the fat hairy type who can only come out once a year and pass judgment whilst scarfing cookies and milk) for anything. I pretty much buy it all for me by me thank you very much.

Being the kind hearted forgiving type that I am; I will give you one more chance.
Please bring me the following for Christmas.

Oh and by the way fat man I have been good, very good, the type of good that you don’t want to tell your wife or mother about but that you sit around in a stupor for days remembering good! mm kay?

Any of these will suffice and redeem your soul in my eyes:

-The magic diet pill (There are magic pills for men whose parts don’t or shouldn’t work, where is mine?)
-Shoes and not just any shoes either the ones that make me quit having to buy more shoes. I want those
-Same thing in boots
-Same in handbags. Give it up man I am tired of constantly finding the one and then not being satisfied.
-Pay my Visa
-Pay my MasterCard

That’s it fat boy one little list and I am sure you can fulfill such a small one too being all powerful and all that.
Aren’t you the one they moan about taking over the real meaning of Christmas
Bring it.

Love
Just me

Ps Make sure you clean up after your stupid pets too. I didn’t make you cookies but I bought you some. Those Choco covered Reese ones. OMG they are so good you are going to love them. Never mind I ate them all. You are too fat anyway. Do not forget my pills!

pss I am clever but not so clever to think of this by myself
check out: Lazy Housewife

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Yay Cake!

Yesterday was my birthday and this was a maze of various convos with my mother

Her: you want cake
Me: sure I like cake
Her: you want everyone come over
Me: sure why not be fun
Her: well when you always working
Me: not Saturday
Her: ok Saturday
Me: we do get our lashes done then though
Her: ok well maybe dinner
Me: ok cool dinners good
Her: well we could have cake later we be done early
Me: ok sure cake later
Her: everyone
Me: sure that be good
Her: I am going to make steaks tonight
Me: ok but ill be working
Her: that’s ok

few hours pass

Me: I got someone cover I don’t have to work
Her: great lets go out for steak
Me: ok
Her: everyone coming too
Me: what
Her: oh never mind that a secret
Me: what about them
Her: everyone is coming along is that ok?
Me: erm yah I guess does my dear hubby know
Her: no
Me: you should tell him?
Her: ok

few minutes pass

texts all 5 mins apart

Her:: Yet steak we all going
Her:: Yet everyone be there
Her:: never mind its all off I am sick forget it

I phone her

Me: what?
Her: never mind it stupid you don’t want to go
Me: I don’t
Her: well you don’t sound like you do
Me: I don’t
Her: forget it
Me: I am at work I am sorry what did I say to make you think that
Her: I don’t know
Me: well I would say if I didn’t want to
Her: ok so its back on
Me: sure
Her: ok

Dinner was lovely by the way and everyone showed up :) I drank lots.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Goldilocks is Freezing her TaTas Off

The only thing I enjoy about winter is the fashion.
I was made for fall fashion in my humble opinion
I adore sweaters, boots, lush coats, beautifully trimmed gloves and hats.
I have a full length leather trench style coat made from lambs leather.
It is soft lush lovely but lately I have been wanting fur for some reason
So off to ebay I bought a soft suede dove Grey leather coat lined in fur.
Sadly it was more a Elvis Blue Suede shoes type UGH
The fur was lovely and a removable liner so I took it to my tailor to have her fit it in my existing coat.
You could tell she was horrified by the request pushed at with her ruler and said " I don't do fur."
Fine!
How hard could it be it just a liner.
I will do it myself I thought
Hours later, fingertips bleedy from needlepricks, I model my new sleek leather coat with luxurious fur liner.
Unfortunately all it did was make me look as if I had gained 40 pounds
Fine!
I don't need real fur anyway!
Back on the internet sooner then the dog could tear into the nasty fur remnants left on living room floor, I discovered the store of my dreams.
Fabulous Furs is all Faux Fur worn by all the stars!
That sounds like me!
I should be a star.
I ordered a lovely faux fur brown jacket trimmed in fox.
I envisioned myself a star peeking at the camera shyly.
My lush shawl collar gleaming around me with wisps of fur hiding my timid smile.
So of course I had to order next day air.
I roused my mother out of her retired lazy days to park her arse at my house and await the lovely package.
I quickly rip it out inspect it model it and how beautiful.
Color? Subtle browns and blonds mixed together.
Touch? Exactly like fur, better then fur, you want to strip down naked throw it on the floor and just wallow on it.
Fit? Perfect it was made for me
I run to bathroom mirror model it giggle kiss my reflection
Fantastic.
But, wait, a glimpse in full length mirror confirms the fear
No this isnt the coat!
Its barely goes down to my waist
Oh my God it is so short all it does is cover my bust barely reaching my waist.
What the ......?
Fine so they use super short torso lacking women as models.
Fine!
Back in box it goes.
Never fear internet, it only took me 12 hours to find a longer one. A better one. The one.
I ordered today
Next day air

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Graduation, Celebration, Lamentation

So the Girl Graduated last night, obtaining the long awaited and very expensive Degree. She is the first in our family and I am so very proud.

So proud that I can only blame that on the following actions.

Things Mom did at her only child's graduation:

-Sobbed loudly
-Blew nose honking like a wild goose call when auditorium was silent
-Promised to be nice around the Fiances Parents
-Screamed dinner and drinks on me money is no object after ceremony
-Made no reservations
-Suggested we sit in bar while waiting for table
-3 Long Island Ice teas while waiting for table
-1 Long Island Ice tea at table ignored appetizers
-Sampling everyone else drink?
-Thought I was quite funny and charming, realizing today I was only drunk with pride and liquer
-At one point said the phrase, why didnt you just buy him condems hell i bought her condems
-Insisted the entire table go to vegas for the wedding and it was all on me!
-Hugged and sobbed over girl numerous times exclaiming I never thought you would do it
-Made up for that awful statement by saying the words she has only heard a few times in her life.(see below)
-Said at some point to her future mother in law, of course its a big diamond she deserves no less.
-Tried to make up for that comment by showing her my ring?
-Passed drivers license around table insisting the horrible picture was a conspiracy, some sicko interoffice dmv lotto.

Dear Daughter: I was wrong, You were right!! (illusive words to be sure and here for all the internet to see)

I love you kid! (something I know she has heard numerous times in her life and will continue to hear.)

Thursday, December 4, 2008

A Daughter like ME

My daughter and I text a lot. Mainly because I am always working and the fact I hate phones. For some reason since the internet and cell phones are so popular I can barely stand to pick up a phone. I love msn,yahoo,twitter, and texting. I think its because I can answer at my leisure and also gives me an opportunity to censor myself. If I am just yammering on phone there is no backspace key to get my foot out of my mouth. Her fiance has texted me on occassion too and once at work we had a texing convo like this.

Him: Yay its Goobers (our dog) Birthday!
Me: Oh yes it is you are right.
Him: Should we come over for his party?
Me: Ummm ok
Him: I'll bring cake!
Me: Ummm ok cake for him or for us?
Him: Both!!
Me: OK ill buy pizza
Him: YAY CAKE and pizza.
Me: ummm yah ok tonight then?
Him: Dont you want to see me?
Me blink blink
Me: Of course tonight then?
Him: This is your daughter I am using his phone.
Me: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i wondered!
Him/Her: YAY CAKE
Me: YAY!!

Monday, December 1, 2008

Annoying/Charming

Annoying

No mocha at starbucks
Monday
Control tops and spanx don’t do their job as well as before
No sun
Dry skin

Charming

Fur lined leather coat
Figure hiding cashmere sweater
Caramel latte
Low humidity hair awesomeness
Hugs
Holiday tunes on rhapsody

Friday, November 28, 2008

Witness

Witness

My friend walks a dark path
She didn’t take it by choice
It’s a forced march
I walk along side her
Not close but near.

My way is full of sunshine and rainbows
She cries a lot and sometimes can’t move on
She wants to lie down and give up but she knows she can’t do that
I can see her over there
I see her pain

But my own path, you know, the sun gets in my eyes
I can’t see all the terrible things on her oddessy
I can’t know what terrors or demons she is battling
She cries out to me now and then and tries to explain
I see her struggle wanting to go back from where she came
I try to listen but she knows I can’t really understand

Sometimes there are little glimpses of sunshine
They are fleeting and far between
She stops to enjoy them a bit
But then remembers
She has to start all over again

She spends a lot of time wondering how or why she ended up on this path
She watches and is envious of others of their bright smiles and hope filled journeys.
She use to walk along with us before her dark detour
She wishes she had known they weren’t endless back then
Her path is full of rain, tears for a child taken too soon, for a reason she can’t fathom
A blameless loss, unexpected, unpredictable, unreasonable and unthinkable

I yell over to my friend a lot
I don’t give her any advice or tell her any lies
We both know she will never be the same.
I hope she knows I was near her on her journey
I hope she knows I admire her struggle and am amazed at her will
I hope she knows how much I care.
I hope the path has an ending although I don’t think it does.

Perhaps though, she will find a clearing.
It wont be bright and sunny but maybe only a bit overcast.
A warm place with a fine mist away from the torrential storms.
A place that is peaceful and perhaps she will want to stay there.
Full of memories and smiles
A new place for new joys a different kind perhaps but soothing to a broken heart.
I am waiting for her there
I hope my friend makes it through


P.S.
This is my friends story here

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving so far

- Overslept
-Threw hastily washed turkey in oven no stuffing or prep
-Checked to see if pies made in half drunken haze last night had set up properly
-Pleased they looked good and proud of self.
-Wondered if they tasted as good as they looked
-Ate 1/4 of pie with warm soda, while trying to work online job
-Dropped pie face down on laptop
-Vivid vision of the Fat police with guns drawn saying "Walk away from the pie lady and no one gets hurt"

Sunday, November 23, 2008

100 Things about Me

First post out and I have already decided to be lazy and go the easy route on the about me post.
Standard 100 things about me and should say all you need to know.

1. I use to be really hot
2. I am in my mid 40s and cant quite believe I am no longer super hot.
3. I was lucky enough to know I was hot during the hotness period
4. I am lucky enough to delude myself into not thinking all that is over
5. I am very sarcastic
6. I am brutally honest.
7. I dont have a lot of friends.
8. Its most likely due to the above listed traits.
9. Sometimes I worry about that.
10. Most of the time I dont
11. I have been married 22 years.
12. I am suprised anyone could stand me so long.
13. I have one daughter.
14. I make lots of money.
15. I work hard for all my money
16. I am still hopelessly in debt.
17. I am terrible with money.
18. I am generous with my family and few friends.
19. I dont contribute to any charity
20. I grew up very poor.
21 I always knew i wouldn't stay poor
22 Being poor sucks
23 Money doesn't buy happiness
24 The things money buys makes me happy
25 I am a computer geek
26 I am a bullshitter
27 People tell me I am funny
28. I think blogs are stupid
29. I read a lot of them
30. I have ADD
31. I am on Ritalin
32 I have to be very careful with it because i have an addictive personality
33 I have never lived up to my potential
34 Sometimes knowing I could do something if I wanted to is enough for me
35 I wish it wasn't
36 I buy things for the status symbol
37 I dont know if i am shallow or if its a left over from being a welfare kid
38 I was suspended in school for refusing to eat free lunch
39 I was starving and only refused because they acted so offended
40 I wouldn't go into the store with my mom because she had food stamps
41 She bought me the things i wanted anyway
42 I was a brat as a kid
43 I had a paper route when i was 14
44 The paper route collection man was arrested for molesting a girl
45 I told corporate he had already collected and kept the 400 dollars
46 I bought myself and my poor cousin school clothes with the money
47 I drive a high end sports car
48 I kiss it every morning on the hood
49 I laugh at myself a lot
50 I have fake nails and eyelash extensions
51 I rarely finish what i start
52 Did i say 100 i meant 52
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